On a muted teal background, a hand holds a lit match with a pink, white, and orange flame. Large white text reads “STRANGE SECURITY,” with smaller text saying “ONLY THE STRANGEST NEWS.” The flame suggests risk and the spark of unsettling and odd information. — Illustration by *Security Management*

Crime

Do. Not. Read. This.

By Scott Briscoe

31 July 2026

I am truly, deeply apologetic for this month’s Strange Security. Some stories need to be told—these, however, did not and would be best left on the fourth page of a Google search where they were found.

As usual, we know security is a serious business, and while we treat these security-adjacent articles with a light-hearted touch, we do not want to diminish any suffering from the parties involved (and boy howdy is there some suffering in the top spot in the countdown this month).

Number 5 If you are afraid of squirrels, do not read this article: Okay, the Security Management editorial staff may think that your author is afraid of squirrels, but he is not. There was just an incident that involved $20,000 worth of wiring in a one-week-old car. This is not that story. This is the story of a squirrel running amok in a Meta office.

Number 4 If you are afraid of snakes, do not read this article: Don’t blow this out of proportion, it’s really no big deal. A flood affected a snake breeding center, and, well, hundreds (more than 900!) of snakes escaped and were swept into the town of Hengzhou, China. The images of cobras arching their heads out of the floodwaters are something to behold.

Number 3 If you are afraid of human excrement, do not read this article: If you're in venue security, this is the last thing you want to hear. Folk singer Noah Kahan implored his listeners to, um, do their business in the bathroom, not at their seat. Or wear diapers. This is after multiple reports of fans staying at their seats while they urinated or, uh, the other thing (seriously!).

Number 2 If you are afraid of riding a bus (or flying Toyotas), do not read this article: The photos in this story are impressive. In Queensland, Australia, a Toyota Yaris apparently went airborne and embedded into the side of transit bus. Fortunately, the bus had no passengers, and the bus driver and Yaris driver did not sustain serious injuries.

Number 1 If you are afraid of human excrement, do not read this article (part two): I apologized and warned you, and here’s a second warning, do not keep reading. But if you follow that link, you’ll learn how a man tried to retrieve a bottle of Mountain Dew and got himself stuck in the holding tank of a portable toilet. For eight hours. He was discovered when a driver arrived to service the unit. Police had to unlock the unit, and fire and rescue had to cut him out. And please, I urge you not to follow this link, but if you absolutely must, there’s video.

And that’s it, no extra Strange Security stories this month. Our editors found some good ones, and maybe we can get to some of them next month, but I feel an urge to go shower.